the wedding philes, part I: check your sanity at the door

27 02 2009

crazybride

While most of the Tots is centered on news and entertainment, I’d like to, every now and again, share a little of my personal life with my readers.

(Go ahead, scroll up or down to read where The D was spotted eating sushi or where Octo-mom used 700,000 foods stamps to buy a new Mercedes…I don’t mind)

Did you stick around?  Cool, because my personal life reads like your typical favorite tragicomidramady.   So, I’d like to dedicate a few posts here and there on the Tots to what has currently been consuming my life: marriage.  More accurately, my impending marriage.

Even more accurately, the trials and tribulations of:

planning a wedding,

finding a place to live,

balancing  a budget,

balancing  a crazy family,

balancing my own personal insanity.

And last, but certainly not least, doing it all with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

Because after all, I’m the bride.   And I’m marrying the man of my dreams, my soul mate, the half that makes me whole, right?

Right?

Hopefully, there’s someone out there who will read these posts and find empathy, honesty, and a little encouragement.  Perhaps the frustrated bride who’s trying to mediate between two families, the aggravated groom who doesn’t understand all the fuss, or the bridesmaid who wants to be supportive, but doesn’t want to upset the bridezilla.  The list goes on and on, really.

So I hope that you’ll read these posts or pass them on to someone who needs them.

I still believe, in the midst of the madness, that we can get through this relatively unscathed.  Although I think Anne Frank said something very similar to that…right before the Nazis came and took her away…





robert’s one night in paris? the apocolypse cometh!

25 02 2009

robertp paris-hilton-digging

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, NO!

Could The Delicious have mingled with the dreaded Hilton succubus?!

We have it on good authority (and by “authority” I mean Lainey Gossip) that Robert Pattinson spent time…alone…in a garden…with…(shudder)…Paris Hilton! My tots have shriveled up and fallen off.

Did she use her evil crabs to entrance him? The answer is obviously yes. I mean, how else could you explain it? It couldn’t be conversation. P.H.’s idea of conversation is ramming her tongue in your ear and grabbing all your no-no zones at once!

After the Oscars, The D went to the A-listers only Vanity Fair party. The fug-fest known as Paris was of course, not invited. The last time girlfriend saw an A-list was in the free clinic’s alphabetized STD pamphlet. “A” is for anal warts. Or so I’ve heard.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, The D was chatted up by Natalie Portman. Now, I can bow out gracefully to Natalie Portman. She’s smokin’, plus she’s got an army of wookies to back her up. So, well played, madame.

But then, later on the same night, The D went to the Patrick Whitesell party, where Paris was infecting all and sundry. She latched onto him like a fat kid on cake, and the two spent over an hour alone together. In the garden.  The garden!

I know, kids. It’s hard for me too. But the bright side is that The D left the party alone (guess Paris’ convo wasn’t exactly riveting. Shocking.) and hopped a plane to Tokyo, obviously to get as far away from the evil crab lady as he could. Actually, he went for the Japanese release of Twilight but what-ev.

I woke up this morning with a sad, empty feeling. Now I know why.





great news, bluth fans!

24 02 2009

arrested

The Arrested Development movie is a GO! And Michael Cera will be back as George Michael! And although (as Lindsey reports) he is a little bi-yotch, no one could play G.M. better!

Huzzah!





oscars wrap-up…slightly late.

24 02 2009

I know, I know, it’s Tuesday.  Everyone’s pretty much done talking about the AA’s, except for that fateful moment when the camera panned to Angelina Jolie during Jennifer Aniston’s monologue.  I think the entire viewing audience said, “Oh snap!”  I know I did.

Any hizzle, if you didn’t catch the big show on Sunday, here’s clips of the only things that really mattered:

Hugh Jackman was brilliant!  And he got bonus points for including the illustrious Anne Hathaway. Check out his opening:

A collection of shots of The Delicious on the red carpet (set to music, no less!):

The Delicious presenting “Romance 2008”

Ben Stiller spoofs Joaquin Phoenix:

During the closing credits, the AA’s showed clips of upcoming movies. No sound, but just watching them was fun:

Then Mickey Rourke’s face slid off his skull and ended up in Meryl Streep’s lap. And the kid from Slumdog Millionaire got drunk and tried to touch Marisa Tomei’s boobies.

The end.





why miley & billy ray cyrus will be hearing from my therapist

22 02 2009

mileybillytogether2

This picture is so disturbing that it has officially warranted a new category on the Tots.

And that category is “yikes.”

Because “yikes” was the first word that came to mind when I saw that modern-day heehaw and his meal ticket daughter, posing in Vanity Fair.  Let’s all just take a collective shudder and hop on board that long train to Creepytown!

Apparently, this picture has been out for awhile, but has resurfaced again because…

*Draws a deep breathe*

OMGyouguys,like,Mileytotallywroteabookandit’sallabouther,like,lifeandstuff!

In her “memoirs” (can someone even have memoirs at 16?) Miley rants about how the press has attacked her relationship with her Dad, the once-mulleted Billy Ray:

“The media has said some stuff about my dad and me being too close and too cuddly for a father and a daughter. For me and my dad it’s not weird at all.”

I’m sure that book’s gonna be just riveting

I love my Dad and all, but I think I’d draw the line at hanging off of him like we were in an Abercrombie ad.  Just saying.

Okay, I obviously can’t stomach Miley Cyrus, but even I, a self-proclaimed “H8TER”, think it’s pretty slimy to ride on your daughter’s coattails in order to fulfill your own desperate need for the lime-light.

Oh, and get the frick off your daughter, dude. It’s gross.





robert pattinson alert!

20 02 2009

The Delicious will be presenting an award at the Oscars ceremony on Sunday.

Okay, I’m gonna say it…sometimes when I look at recent pics of Robert “The Delicious” Pattinson, I’m kind of reminded of Joaquin Phoenix. It’s the look in the eyes, I think. Brooding might be a good term for it.

robp joaquin_phoenix2

But heck, they also look  pretty baked!

Sorry, ladies, but Robert Pattinson always looks like he just got out of his cousin’s van. You know, the one with the giant wizard painted on it? Or like he’s been pulling a Michael Phelps, if ya know what I mean? Maybe like he’s a proud member of the cannabis club?   *elbows you* Eh? Eh?

Maybe he picked up the habit from Kristin Stewart?

kristen-stewart-smoking-pot-weed-twilight-robert-pattinson-photos-pictures-pics-4

Anyhow, it was just an observation. He’s still pretty nummers. And I’ll totally be, at least kind of, watching the Academy Awards (or “AA’s” as I like to call them–it seems strangely more accurate…) to see The Delicious, which is really the whole point, right?





in the nooz: octo-mom could lose her house!

19 02 2009

Octuplets

Have you heard the latest in the continuing trainwreck saga that is Nadya Suleman and her 14 babies?

Yeah, the house that she and her brood lives in, the house that really belongs to her mother, faces foreclosure.

Read the whole story HERE

But, I’d like to point out a few things that I find outrageous interesting:

1. Nadya Suleman is still jobless and on food stamps yet…
2. The family has hired a publicity firm!
3. You can read all about the tragic happy family at Nadya’s new website!

(The only actual links on the site is information on where you can comment or  donate money!)

Wow, could this story get any more re-damn-donkulous?

An agent? A website? What’s next, her own talk show?! In this day and age, I seriously wouldn’t be surprised. I know that by posting this I’m kind of adding to it, but I’m going to be so glad when her 15 minutes are up and she has to face the reality of her situation. I just feel so bad for those poor babies…

Please, people, DO NOT BE A FAN OF THIS WOMAN!!!