run-on sentence of the day: jon gosselin

31 08 2009


Jon Gosselin, the un-sexiest man of the moment, was up to his same beat douchebaggery this weekend when he “hosted” a pool party in conjunction with Wet Republic at the MGM Grand, Vegas,  in his desperate and sad attempt to procure a spot on the  Z-list (above Joe Francis but lower than any Lohan, including his bestie Michael) and perhaps get his picture taken next to girls in bikinis who have no idea who he is other than that creepy guy with the hair plugs that has a small child army and wants to be Ed Hardy when he grows up.


dakota fanning gives me night terrors: new moon volturi pics!

28 08 2009

Check it out, Twitards!  (Don’t hate, I count myself amongst ya.)

Dakota Fanning is freaking as Jane!  I mean, she’s always been creepy (I still have terrifying “Creasy Bear” nightmares)—but day-um homegirl has taken it to a whole new level!

It’s the eyes, I think.  No one’s home.  And the Mary Janes, which has always been the preferred footwear of criminally insane children.   If she hadn’t become an actress, she would have made a great serial killer.



Red eyes! Red gloves!  Oh my!

Click HERE for more Volturi goodness!

north korea, rectal kicks, and keira knightley’s poor boobies

26 08 2009

I guess it’s  time to change my “wedding philes” category into a “marriage philes” category.  Actually, it’s kinda lame to have either because, despite my lofty intentions, I’ve come to realize that what I know about planning a wedding OR about marriage in general wouldn’t even fill  Keira Knightley’s bra cup.


That being said, I feel the urge to offer up another sterling piece of advice rant to newlyweds, engaged couples, dentists, circus folk,  or anyone else who takes a mind to read this drivel.  Consider this your warning, because no one sure as hell warned me.

I’m talking about Sleeping With Your Significant Other.  And not sexy times either.  Actual drooling on your pillowcase-type unconciousness, right?

The hubster and I pretty much started having sleeping issues the first week of marriage.  I am a definite “stay on my own side, don’t you dare invade my little piece of  mattress” chica.  I am the North Korea of sleeping partners.

The hubster, on the other hand, spreads himself out like butter on bread.  That is, when he’s not flailing all over the place like a large trout, whipping his arms around as if conducting some sort of spastic orchestra.  Inevitabley, he ends up elbowing me in the head or, on one memorable occasion, kneeing me in the rectum.

But don’t feel too bad for me, my little tots, because apparently I am a mild-mannered “secretary/quasi-writer” by day and a flipping prize fighter by night.  Oh yes, I come right back at him with all the rage of a semi coherent bull elephant.

Last night, for example,  I went to bed before the hubster did (When Madden NFL 10 calls, he must answer).  One thing you should probably know is that I truly covet the hubster’s pillow.  True, when we bought said pillow it was originally meant for me, but I didn’t really feel its super-squishy comfort value until the hubster had already claimed it as his own.  You know what they say, ya don’t know what ya got till it’s gone.

Anypillowjealousy, I made haste to bogart the pillow of wonders before he came to bed.

In the morning, the hubster told me that when he finally came in to go to sleep, he tried to at least cuddle up next to me so he could share the pillow.  As I have stated before, my side of the bed is a strict no fly zone.  According to the hubster, I began throttling him with his own pillow and, when his fluffy beating was over, I muttered, “This isn’t over.”  And promptly fell back to sleep.

I have zero recollection of any of this occurring.

Dude, who effing says that to their spouse in the middle of the night?  Me.  That’s who.  I have to admit, it’s a little deranged, even for yours truly.

So there you have it.  If you have any fun stories about sleeping with your he pal or she pal, please share.  Or if you just want to tell me what a psycho I am, that’s okay too.

the horror!

14 08 2009

The new Twilight Barbie Dolls are easily the most terrifying things I’ve seen in a long-ass time.  They make my tots pucker and shrivel.



robert pattinson: drawn to kristen stewart’s angry mullet

13 08 2009


I really don’t consider myself a whorish fan-girl…gawd, I’m lying so much right now I may actually burst into flames…but yeah, I’ve been reading the same articles AND seeing the same pics as you have.

You Stewart & Pattinson ‘shippers should be in deep squee at the moment–cuz they’re totally hooking up.

But should you believe everything you see and read on the innernets? Yes, my little tot. Yes you should.

Check don’t wreck it…

the post where i have to lay a little truth about KStew on some hard-core fans…

13 08 2009


Sometimes, every so often, I feel the need to bend some of you tots over my knee and give ya a little spankaroo. Try to control your titillation. What I mean is, ever since I posted certain harmless theories about KStew putting the crock-pot on high (my current fave euphemism for smoking weed), I’ve received several comments that range from silly to straight-up denial:

She is under a lot of pressure from fans.

omg these people are stupid for trying to make kirsten and robert look bad i should kill them because there just jelous of them on how popular thwy are and how cute they make asa couple haha u losers.

how stupid are you people….thats not even kristen
god man, have some sense

(And my all-time personal favorite)

almost half the people in the untied states ethier smoke pot or sell it so get off her back sheis a great actor… and pot isnt that bad i mean really its not like its coke..

I heart you guys. Seriously. You make my flipping life. And in the words of dan-_yell_uh!!: pass that shit kristen… tee-hee

marketing fail

13 08 2009

My eyes are gushing, and I can’t stop LOLing! Ahh…Disney, I heart you in so many ways!