2009 vma’s will likely be a mixed bag

3 09 2009

On Sept. 13th,  MTV will once again offer up the Video Music Awards for your viewing pleasure.  Because even though MTV no longer actually airs videos or really anything that has to do with music anymore, the network  is still compelled  to spew into our vacuous little brains all that is hip, hot, and posh.

Remember when the VMA’s were an Event in our young lives?  The show had the funniest hosts, the coolest performances, and wave after wave of surprising hijinks? Here’s a refresher course:

Guns N Roses & Elton John perform “November Rain” circa 1992

A wasted Courtney Love throws stuff at Madonna

And who can forget the 2002 promo when Jimmy Fallon made Natalie Portman date him for a week?

So what can 2009’s VMA’s possibly offer?  Well, some good things and some not so good things.

BAD: Russell Brand is hosting.  Again.  As a drinking game, you should throw back a shot every time he does or says something pervy.   You’ll be wasted by the first commercial break.  Trust.

GOOD: Jay-Z is performing.

BAD: So is Beyoncé.

GOOD: The New Moon cast will be introducing an extended trailer of the film.  And yes, Kristen Stewart will probably look bored and put-upon for having to promote her movie (what, like that’s her job?!), but The Delicious will also be in attendance so I’ll be fighting the urge to lick my television screen.

BAD: No matter how squee-inducing the new trailer is, we still have to wait till November for that shizz.

vman2-robert-pattinson-new-moon

GOOD: I will be anxious to see what kind of tribute MTV is concocting for Michael Jackson.  Stay tuned.

BAD: Lady GaGa is performing.  Now, I don’t love or hate Lady GaGa.  But I do find her outfits annoyingly distracting and I can’t imagine she’ll be that good live.  Assuming she will be singing live, which, knowing MTV, is always a crapshoot.

brixton-lady-gaga-290x400

And so, I expect this year’s VMA’s to be a mixed bag.  But one thing I do know for certain: I won’t be seeing that hot mess live.

Cuz the 13th is the season finale of True Blood 😉

eric-northman-true-blood-season-headshot

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north korea, rectal kicks, and keira knightley’s poor boobies

26 08 2009

I guess it’s  time to change my “wedding philes” category into a “marriage philes” category.  Actually, it’s kinda lame to have either because, despite my lofty intentions, I’ve come to realize that what I know about planning a wedding OR about marriage in general wouldn’t even fill  Keira Knightley’s bra cup.

article-1053363-0290951800000578-615_468x914

That being said, I feel the urge to offer up another sterling piece of advice rant to newlyweds, engaged couples, dentists, circus folk,  or anyone else who takes a mind to read this drivel.  Consider this your warning, because no one sure as hell warned me.

I’m talking about Sleeping With Your Significant Other.  And not sexy times either.  Actual drooling on your pillowcase-type unconciousness, right?

The hubster and I pretty much started having sleeping issues the first week of marriage.  I am a definite “stay on my own side, don’t you dare invade my little piece of  mattress” chica.  I am the North Korea of sleeping partners.

The hubster, on the other hand, spreads himself out like butter on bread.  That is, when he’s not flailing all over the place like a large trout, whipping his arms around as if conducting some sort of spastic orchestra.  Inevitabley, he ends up elbowing me in the head or, on one memorable occasion, kneeing me in the rectum.

But don’t feel too bad for me, my little tots, because apparently I am a mild-mannered “secretary/quasi-writer” by day and a flipping prize fighter by night.  Oh yes, I come right back at him with all the rage of a semi coherent bull elephant.

Last night, for example,  I went to bed before the hubster did (When Madden NFL 10 calls, he must answer).  One thing you should probably know is that I truly covet the hubster’s pillow.  True, when we bought said pillow it was originally meant for me, but I didn’t really feel its super-squishy comfort value until the hubster had already claimed it as his own.  You know what they say, ya don’t know what ya got till it’s gone.

Anypillowjealousy, I made haste to bogart the pillow of wonders before he came to bed.

In the morning, the hubster told me that when he finally came in to go to sleep, he tried to at least cuddle up next to me so he could share the pillow.  As I have stated before, my side of the bed is a strict no fly zone.  According to the hubster, I began throttling him with his own pillow and, when his fluffy beating was over, I muttered, “This isn’t over.”  And promptly fell back to sleep.

I have zero recollection of any of this occurring.

Dude, who effing says that to their spouse in the middle of the night?  Me.  That’s who.  I have to admit, it’s a little deranged, even for yours truly.

So there you have it.  If you have any fun stories about sleeping with your he pal or she pal, please share.  Or if you just want to tell me what a psycho I am, that’s okay too.





harry’s hair makes me mad

16 07 2009

This…THIS…is just so unfortunate. Observe:

harry-potter1__oPt

And you say, “Yeah, it’s the poster for the new fantazamalistic Harry Potter flick.  So?”

“But look at the HAIR!” I screech, throwing my mimosa into the face of a scantily-clad cabana boy.

Because the Potter hair, my poolside loving tots, is more tragic than the death of Albus Dumbledore.  Seriously.  It looks like my Dad’s haircut circa 1983.  With every movie, it seems to get worse!

Listen up Warner Brothers, *sits up in her lounge chair and removes her sunglasses for emphasis*  I’m gonna let you in on a little secret:  sexy, careless hair sells.  Um, helllllooooo…

Robert-Pattinson-as-Cedric-Diggory Meh.

robert-pattinson Mwah 😉

Harry was actually IN a forest with a unicorn!  Why can’t he HAVE a unicorn forest?  On his head.





what i’m looking forward to (& so should you…be…looking forward…to these things as well.)

7 07 2009

Title fail.

So I’m feeling a little blue today, tots.  Many people hate Mondays, but I happen to think Tuesday is the worst day of the week.  Like, you can’t feel the righteous anger that Monday inspires, because on Tuesday, you’re supposed to just suck it up and face the week.  And on Tuesday, you can’t even feel the joy of Wednesday, which is hump day, signaling the half-way point of the work week and also the riotous glee of randomly humping someone or something.  Wait, you don’t do that part?  Hmm…maybe that’s just me…

So to perk myself back up, I decided to list some things that I can’t wait to add to my pantheon of happy-happy-joy-joy experiences.

1.  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is opening July 15th.  That’s next week, chickens!  I’m excited to let my inner 12 year-old stuff herself with popcorn and candy whilst unabashedly weeping over the late, great, Albus Dumbledore.

2.  Album releases from those who continue to flog that dead pony, including:

The Dead Weather (Horehound July 14th)–I actually  like this band, but seriously, how many side projects does Jack White need?

Kenny Loggins (All Join In July 21st)–If it’s not a movie  soundtrack, I am sadly uninterested.  And so is everyone else.

Jordin Sparks (Battlefield July 21st)–Oh honey, your career was over before it began.

Sugar Ray (Music for Cougars July 21st)–At least Sugar Ray has come to terms with the fact that any fans they have left are of the aged variety.

3.  Fairs.  I love fairs.  Give me some carnies and a goat milking contest and I am a happy tot.

carnie

4.  True Blood every Sunday on HBO.  The show, now in its second season, just gets hotter (I’m sorry, but Alexander Skarsgård is rapidly becoming the new Delicious! Or maybe co-Delicious?).  Who else rejoiced when you found out that Lafayette is still alive?  Tip yo waitress!

300.trueblood.skarsgard.alex.lc.062909





creed boasts comeback…in other news, cricket chirping is suddenly on the increase…

6 05 2009

creed

I don’t like Creed. I especially don’t like the fact that they’re kicking of their yawn-tacular tour in my hometown of Pittsburgh. It makes my tots shrivel just thinking about Scott Stapp and his fugness. Dude’s about as relevant as my arse.

What I do like, however, is the excellent article Spin did about Creed rearing it’s ugly head. Check it OUT!





the wedding philes: are diy invites worth it?

20 04 2009

invites

I consider myself a pretty computer-savvy tot, so when the time came to pick out wedding invites, I decided to take the economical route and buy the “do it yourself” wedding invites at my local craft store.

Fail.

WARNING: It has been my unfortuante experience that these DIY invitations can be more of a hassle and money-pit than going to a professional to have your invites done.

Why?

1.  Not all  kits are created equal. My kit, although cute, has no extra paper included for  reception information, directions to the church and reception venue, etc.  This meant that I ended up having to try to match and buy similar stationary to include in my invitations.

2. Your printer gets a heck of a workout. Think about the cost of buying extra ink for your printer AND if your printer can do a nice job on all of the invites.  My printer did okay, but some things I had to make bold just so it would show up better on the paper.  Which of course meant wasting ink.  Also, I had to print every piece of stationary individually because my printer kept lining things up wrong if I tried to print more than 2 invites, labels, rsvp cards, etc.  in consecutive order.

3.  Labels are a p.a.i.n. I had to cut and paste all of my addresses onto their pre-made labels.  Argh!

4.  ALL assembly required. Once everything is printed out, you lose what sanity you were hanging onto by putting together 200+ invitations.

So, my advice is, if you’re going to do the DIY invitations, make sure you have the time, proper equipment, and desire.  Also, these kits aren’t as cheap as you may think they are.  And lastly, if you choose DIY, do yourself a favor and keep it simple!

Happy printing!





finally what all us yanks have been waiting for!

7 04 2009