north korea, rectal kicks, and keira knightley’s poor boobies

26 08 2009

I guess it’s  time to change my “wedding philes” category into a “marriage philes” category.  Actually, it’s kinda lame to have either because, despite my lofty intentions, I’ve come to realize that what I know about planning a wedding OR about marriage in general wouldn’t even fill  Keira Knightley’s bra cup.

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That being said, I feel the urge to offer up another sterling piece of advice rant to newlyweds, engaged couples, dentists, circus folk,  or anyone else who takes a mind to read this drivel.  Consider this your warning, because no one sure as hell warned me.

I’m talking about Sleeping With Your Significant Other.  And not sexy times either.  Actual drooling on your pillowcase-type unconciousness, right?

The hubster and I pretty much started having sleeping issues the first week of marriage.  I am a definite “stay on my own side, don’t you dare invade my little piece of  mattress” chica.  I am the North Korea of sleeping partners.

The hubster, on the other hand, spreads himself out like butter on bread.  That is, when he’s not flailing all over the place like a large trout, whipping his arms around as if conducting some sort of spastic orchestra.  Inevitabley, he ends up elbowing me in the head or, on one memorable occasion, kneeing me in the rectum.

But don’t feel too bad for me, my little tots, because apparently I am a mild-mannered “secretary/quasi-writer” by day and a flipping prize fighter by night.  Oh yes, I come right back at him with all the rage of a semi coherent bull elephant.

Last night, for example,  I went to bed before the hubster did (When Madden NFL 10 calls, he must answer).  One thing you should probably know is that I truly covet the hubster’s pillow.  True, when we bought said pillow it was originally meant for me, but I didn’t really feel its super-squishy comfort value until the hubster had already claimed it as his own.  You know what they say, ya don’t know what ya got till it’s gone.

Anypillowjealousy, I made haste to bogart the pillow of wonders before he came to bed.

In the morning, the hubster told me that when he finally came in to go to sleep, he tried to at least cuddle up next to me so he could share the pillow.  As I have stated before, my side of the bed is a strict no fly zone.  According to the hubster, I began throttling him with his own pillow and, when his fluffy beating was over, I muttered, “This isn’t over.”  And promptly fell back to sleep.

I have zero recollection of any of this occurring.

Dude, who effing says that to their spouse in the middle of the night?  Me.  That’s who.  I have to admit, it’s a little deranged, even for yours truly.

So there you have it.  If you have any fun stories about sleeping with your he pal or she pal, please share.  Or if you just want to tell me what a psycho I am, that’s okay too.





the wedding philes: are diy invites worth it?

20 04 2009

invites

I consider myself a pretty computer-savvy tot, so when the time came to pick out wedding invites, I decided to take the economical route and buy the “do it yourself” wedding invites at my local craft store.

Fail.

WARNING: It has been my unfortuante experience that these DIY invitations can be more of a hassle and money-pit than going to a professional to have your invites done.

Why?

1.  Not all  kits are created equal. My kit, although cute, has no extra paper included for  reception information, directions to the church and reception venue, etc.  This meant that I ended up having to try to match and buy similar stationary to include in my invitations.

2. Your printer gets a heck of a workout. Think about the cost of buying extra ink for your printer AND if your printer can do a nice job on all of the invites.  My printer did okay, but some things I had to make bold just so it would show up better on the paper.  Which of course meant wasting ink.  Also, I had to print every piece of stationary individually because my printer kept lining things up wrong if I tried to print more than 2 invites, labels, rsvp cards, etc.  in consecutive order.

3.  Labels are a p.a.i.n. I had to cut and paste all of my addresses onto their pre-made labels.  Argh!

4.  ALL assembly required. Once everything is printed out, you lose what sanity you were hanging onto by putting together 200+ invitations.

So, my advice is, if you’re going to do the DIY invitations, make sure you have the time, proper equipment, and desire.  Also, these kits aren’t as cheap as you may think they are.  And lastly, if you choose DIY, do yourself a favor and keep it simple!

Happy printing!





the wedding philes: premarital counseling

24 03 2009

lucy-psychiatrist

So The Specialist (my fiance was in the Army) and I had our first premarital counseling session this past week.

Now, even if you’re not getting married in a house of God (you heathenish tot!), I would still recommend having a sit down with a family counselor,  psychiatrist, voodoo priestess, whatever, before the big day cometh.  Like so many horses of the Apocalypse…

Why?  Because it’s pure comedy, my friend.

There’s a few things you need to know before experiencing the masochistic joy of premarital counseling:

1.  Be prepared to talk.  Alot.  Even if you don’t want to.  Even if you’ve physically stapled your lips shut prior to the appointment, something will get you to talk.  And if you’re a female, you will talk, and talk, and talk, and talk.  Because you’ll be utterly convinced that this person sitting behind the mahogany desk is fully qualified to totally fix the relationship that, prior to walking into the office, you didn’t realize was broken.

2.  Your guy will look like the proverbial deer in the headlights for most of the session.  He will restrict his answers to one syllable words, much like a Neanderthal.  “This make Bob feel bad.”

3.  Even though you’re the one who vented, and he’s the one who stubbornly remained tight-lipped, you’re gonna walk out of there feeling like everything is your fault.  That’s right, your relationship is crap piled on poop and you’re queen of the hill.

4.  Thank goodness for step 4!  Because that brings you to the second session.  Yep, you ARE sadistic enough to actually put yourself through all of that again.  You will have to bribe him to go, of course, but you have to bribe him to do most stuff so it’s no biggie.  The second session is the complete opposite of the first.  You enter the office in full-on whipped puppy mode.  And that’s good, because when your guy sees that you’ve learned a little humility, he starts to open up.  And magically, progress is made.

5.  Your relationship goes from great to amazing, and you realize that in the midst of the chaos of planning your wedding, you momentarily forgot the actual marriage—you know, that thing that starts the day after the ceremony?

Counseling helped me to reprioritize my, well, priorities.  It made me pause to really look at my habits, my shortcomings, and how those might influence the way I interact with The Specialist (he wasn’t totally let off the hook either).   But we also talked about how we really do compliment each other, and ways we can work better as a team.

In closing, you don’t need to feel like your relationship is precariously close to the edge before you go to counseling.  It’s just a healthy thing to try—making sure that you’re doing everything you can to start out your life together on the right foot.

And do the world a favor and film the sessions for a possible sitcom.





the wedding philes: registries are a blessing and a curse

6 03 2009

bridal_shower

So…planning out your bridal registry is kind of like going on your ultimate fantasy shopping spree.  You get to wander around your favorite stores with your little tagging gun like some sort of retail gunslinger.  How fun is that?!

And nowadays, you can usually complete a registry both in the store and online, making it a very simple process.

Normally.

But since when has anything in my life ever been normal?

In this episode of The Wedding Philes, I’m handing out registry advice like lollipops.  Little, candy-coated lessons I had to learn the hard way.  So take it, unwrap it, and stick it in your mouth!

Obviously, creating a registry at any store should start with some pre-planning.  First, you’ll want to take an inventory of what you already have, what you need, and what you’d really like.  Second, do your homework and find out about the stores you’d like to register at.  Many stores offer a lot of nice perks for registering with them.

Now you’re ready to…

1.  Get a comprehensive checklist of suggestions for registry items. Many stores offer this online, and you can print it right out.  I recommend Bed, Bath, & Beyond‘s very detailed list, as it includes everything thing from a wall clock to jelly roll pans.  You don’t have to register with them to actually get the list.  Target is another store that has a helpful checklist.  Trust me, checklists will help you stay organized!  Especially if you’re registering at several places.  And speaking of which…

2.  Register at several places. Give your shower/wedding guests a variety to choose from.  Consider those who are from out of town and may not have the same stores available to them.

3.  Timing is everything. There’s probably some mathematical algorithm for the perfect time to start working on your registry, but I haven’t figured it out yet.  If you’re starting early, register for the stuff you know will be in stores all season long.  DO NOT register for clearance items.  If you want seasonal stuff (like a patio set or Christmas tree trimmings) the best I can say is good luck.  If you’re getting married in the summer, obviously you’ll have better luck getting more summer-oriented swag.  Same goes for winter, etc.

4.  Make sure you get your little card thingies! Every store should give you  little cards or stickers that you can place in your shower invitations to let your guests know where you are registered.  Make sure you get these cards (if you register online, they should come in the mail) AND that you get plenty of them!

5.  Don’t expect to get everything you asked for. Like most things in life, you can’t always get what you want.  I’ve already had several people tell me, “Oh, I never get anything from a registry.  I’ll just buy you whatever I want.”  Resist the urge to smack these people, and look forward to at least three crystal candy dishes that you’ll never use.  Ever.

6.  Be flexible on the nonessentials. It’s all about priorities.  For example, I am pretty much obsessed with coffee.  Seriously, it’s the theme of my whole wedding.  So naturally I registered for a kick-ass coffee pot.  I’ve made sure to spread the word that I want a Bunn.  I’ve registered for a Bunn.  The Bunn is on my list.  So don’t get me a Black&Decker.  I could care less, however, what kind of blender I get.  If you find a blender somewhere cheaper, rock on.  Same with a toaster.  As long as it toasts, it’s cool with me.  The point is this, if you really want a certain brand/type of thingymadoo, TELL PEOPLE!  Don’t just assume people will get you the specific brand you select. Target has a neat feature on its registry that allows you to include notes with each item.

7.  Remember the fun stuff, too! I included a bath pillow and a lamp with a winged pig for a base on my registry (my future mother-in-law thinks I’m nuts).   Always keep in mind that this is the stuff YOU’RE gonna be living with!  So pick what you like!

Well, hopefully this list has helped.  Happy registering!





the wedding philes, part I: check your sanity at the door

27 02 2009

crazybride

While most of the Tots is centered on news and entertainment, I’d like to, every now and again, share a little of my personal life with my readers.

(Go ahead, scroll up or down to read where The D was spotted eating sushi or where Octo-mom used 700,000 foods stamps to buy a new Mercedes…I don’t mind)

Did you stick around?  Cool, because my personal life reads like your typical favorite tragicomidramady.   So, I’d like to dedicate a few posts here and there on the Tots to what has currently been consuming my life: marriage.  More accurately, my impending marriage.

Even more accurately, the trials and tribulations of:

planning a wedding,

finding a place to live,

balancing  a budget,

balancing  a crazy family,

balancing my own personal insanity.

And last, but certainly not least, doing it all with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

Because after all, I’m the bride.   And I’m marrying the man of my dreams, my soul mate, the half that makes me whole, right?

Right?

Hopefully, there’s someone out there who will read these posts and find empathy, honesty, and a little encouragement.  Perhaps the frustrated bride who’s trying to mediate between two families, the aggravated groom who doesn’t understand all the fuss, or the bridesmaid who wants to be supportive, but doesn’t want to upset the bridezilla.  The list goes on and on, really.

So I hope that you’ll read these posts or pass them on to someone who needs them.

I still believe, in the midst of the madness, that we can get through this relatively unscathed.  Although I think Anne Frank said something very similar to that…right before the Nazis came and took her away…