Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, NO!
Could The Delicious have mingled with the dreaded Hilton succubus?!
We have it on good authority (and by “authority” I mean Lainey Gossip) that Robert Pattinson spent time…alone…in a garden…with…(shudder)…Paris Hilton! My tots have shriveled up and fallen off.
Did she use her evil crabs to entrance him? The answer is obviously yes. I mean, how else could you explain it? It couldn’t be conversation. P.H.’s idea of conversation is ramming her tongue in your ear and grabbing all your no-no zones at once!
After the Oscars, The D went to the A-listers only Vanity Fair party. The fug-fest known as Paris was of course, not invited. The last time girlfriend saw an A-list was in the free clinic’s alphabetized STD pamphlet. “A” is for anal warts. Or so I’ve heard.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, The D was chatted up by Natalie Portman. Now, I can bow out gracefully to Natalie Portman. She’s smokin’, plus she’s got an army of wookies to back her up. So, well played, madame.
But then, later on the same night, The D went to the Patrick Whitesell party, where Paris was infecting all and sundry. She latched onto him like a fat kid on cake, and the two spent over an hour alone together. In the garden. The garden!
I know, kids. It’s hard for me too. But the bright side is that The D left the party alone (guess Paris’ convo wasn’t exactly riveting. Shocking.) and hopped a plane to Tokyo, obviously to get as far away from the evil crab lady as he could. Actually, he went for the Japanese release of Twilight but what-ev.
I woke up this morning with a sad, empty feeling. Now I know why.